


I Write Sins Not Tragedies

by heffalumps, Katieee



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Crack, F/M, Humor, Inspired by My Immortal, egregious use of semicolons, we may or may not be some degree of drunk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-10
Updated: 2020-10-10
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:40:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26921536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heffalumps/pseuds/heffalumps, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katieee/pseuds/Katieee
Summary: Hi my name is Ae’iou LostChild Armageddon Katie Lavellan Armstrong and I have long black hair and beauituful red eyes and I am the Inquisitor of the Inquisition and also my hair has silver streaks in it as well as just being black and sometimes I die it orange too because i’m so random lmao SPORK. At least that is what everyone says. I am goth (if you couldn’t tell already lmao). A lot of people tell me I look like the Hero of Fereldan (AN if you don’t know who this is you’re a fake gamer!) and I think that is true because she is also tall and beautiful like me except her name is Mahahiriel. I am also a mage and I went to a circle school called the Gallows in Ostwick.
Relationships: Female Inquisitor/Cullen Rutherford, Female Inquisitor/Solas (Dragon Age), Female Lavellan/Cullen Rutherford, Female Lavellan/Solas
Comments: 26
Kudos: 37





	I Write Sins Not Tragedies

**Author's Note:**

> We may or may not have had some gin and read My Immortal.

I Write Sins Not Tragedies

by Liisa and Katie <3

**Chapter 1**

AN: we are so excited to publish another fic together this will be our FOURTH!!! fic as a writing duo and we don’t ever plan to stop xoxox love you katie <3<3<3

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Hi my name is Ae’iou LostChild Armageddon Katie Lavellan Armstrong and I have long black hair and beauituful red eyes and I am the Inquisitor of the Inquisition and also my hair has silver streaks in it as well as just being black and sometimes I die it orange too because i’m so random lmao SPORK. At least that is what everyone says. I am goth (if you couldn’t tell already lmao). A lot of people tell me I look like the Hero of Fereldan (AN if you don’t know who this is you’re a fake gamer!) and I think that is true because she is also tall and beautiful like me except her name is Mahahiriel. I am also a mage and I went to a circle school called the Gallows in Ostwick. 

I was walking outside Skyhold, it was snowing like it always was. A lot of Templars stared at me. I put my middle finger up at them.

“Hey Ae’iouuuu!” shouted a voice. I looked up. It was….. Cullen Rutherford!

“What’s up Cullen?” I asked

“Nofink,” he said stutteringly.

But then I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.

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AN: hope you like it! Pls tell us what you think! <33333

**Chapter 2**

AN: so glad we get to write this together <33333 Liisa you’re my girl!!

The next day I was walking through the Great Hall with my best friend Effy of Lants who is also a gothic like my except she is taller and also has white eyes and not red. She was wearing fishnet tights and a black tank top with green skulls on it and also a mini skirt that said I LOVE MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE on the butt. Her fishnet tights had lots of rips in them because she is a rouge and she kepps cutting them with her daggers.

Anyway I was also dressed up gothic like always with big combat boots that were black and had red laces and also I had a corset on that was like red but also black as well. It was tightly tied and made my boobs like really good looking. They are always big but now they are even bigger. I am also bi if you couldn’t tell already (if you’re a homophone leave!!!111 THIS FIC IS NOT FOR YOU!!!!!) and also so is Effy.

“OMg I aaw you talking to Cullen Rutherford yesterday,” Effy said.

“Yeah so,” I asked evasively.

“DO YOU LIKE LIKE HIM???” Effy shouted. 

“No I so fucking don’t!!!”

“You so fucking totally do omg” said Effy again but then we were intterruupted by Salos. 

“HELLO women how are you” said Solas.

We’d found Solas by the side of the road in Denirem. He was a mage too like me and he hadn’t been to a school so he couldn’t be as good as me. He’d even told me that he’d never seen a mage with power like me before and that I’m very smart for my age (I’m nineteen(.

“We are going to the Black Parade would you also like to come?”

“What is that?=” Salos asked.

“lol you are such a poser,” said Effy. “Everyone knows the Black Parade it is the best goth masquerade in Thades ever. We always go every eyar and this year it is going to be better and bigger than it has ever been. It is in Orlais.”

“Ew Orlais” said Cullen who was also there.

“Yes I know,” I said. “But for the Black Parade we need to go to Orlais. You know this Cullen you are not a poser like Salos lmao.”

“Okay let’s go,” said Colin and then we all went.

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We (we means me, Salos because the poser wanted to come too, Collen, Effy and also our friend Blackwall who has the best goth name ever) were in Orlais later that dahy. 

“Omg the Balck Masquerade is the best event of the year!” Effe squeed.

“I know right!” I said. I had worn my black combat boots with spikes in them (you know like those military boots that have those spikes like in Lita Spikes except they are more goth), and also I had a black leather band around my wrists. Then I also had BRIGHJT PURPLE fishnets because every outfit needs some good goth color and goth is not just about black. I also put on a red and black striped corset with bloody roses on it and then laced it up really tight. Effy also wore a black goth dress like a loli (because she likes that kind of things sometimes).

“I hope Simple Plan are playing this year,” Solas said excitedly.

“simple Plan aren’t a goth band you fucking prep,” I said wisely in return. “Proper goth bands are Good Charlotte, MCR, Green Day, Bloody Gothic Rose 666 and Bullet for my Valentine.”

“and Also Backstreet Boys is good,” said Effy too.

“Oh my god Effy you are a poswer!!!” I yelled at her; then we had a fight. Shge cried and ran off but then I went to get her and we were friends again because that’s just how we are. (AN Liisa I’ll never give you up!!!! Or let you down!!!)

Suddenly there was a tall man with black hair next to me; he was Gerard Way! And he took my hand and kissed it like a gentleman. We all gasped!!

“How do you do my Lady,” Gerard said all sexy.

“Her name is the Inquisitor,” Cullon corrected. I shot him a weird look. “I--er — wjat I mean — um her name is Ae’iou and her title is the Inquisitior. She isn’t a lady. I mean she is but I— um— oh Maker’s breath.”

Cullen was being weird but I couldnt really care because Gerard had called me a lady.

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AN: TENSION IS GETTING HIGH!!1 lmao tell us what you think pls leave good reviews we weill not post the next chapter until there are at least 50 good reviews <333

  
  


**CHAPTER 3**

AN: ok well we didn’t get 50 reviews but we’re posting anyway fuck everyone who is not reviewing you are all POSWERS!!!11 if you want to know if you are a poser or a true goth like us you can take a quiz on our tumblr, comment for the link!!11 xoxoxoxo we love you all who are REAL READERS not like those posers who have given into the mainstream & do not review

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“Oh my god, Gerard, you are so smexy,” I said and then Colon ran away and he was sobbing.

“What is happening?” Effy asked and I looked at her like she was stupid (AN Liisa I am so sorry you are not stupid I am just saying this about this characer not you!!!).

“Colm is in love with me obviously,” I said because of course he was; I am so beautiful and also the Inquisitor. 

“Oh ok,” Effy said (AN see Liisa I didn’t ,make her that stupid) because she immediately undedrstood. “It’s true you are very beautiful.”

“I think you are beautiful too,” Solas said passsionnitely.

“Oh shut up you poser.” I yelled.

We went into the main house of Princess Celene who was holding the Black Masquarad because she is royal so she knows how important parties are. Solas had gone away somewhere but I didn’t really care.

“Omg hi Queen Celen!!” I said as I approached her and remembered to bow like my friend Josei had told me to. 

“Hello and welcome to my party,” Celene said with her face behind a mask (because it’s a masqureare geddit!!) and also she had black hair so she was beautiful like me. “Unfortunately there has been a murder.”

We gasped.

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AN: who’s the murderer?? Review and you’;l; find out!

**CHAPTER 4**

AN: ok u guys didn’t review and also efelants stop taking all my srmicolons out of the sentences I KNOW HOW TO USE THEM ok love you!

AN2: sorry katie I will let you have them i am not a native english speaker :( so you know best 

“A murder?” Cullen asked; he looked worried and sad and he was sexy when his brow wrinkled up like that.

“Yes that’s right,” Celeste said sombrerly. “My cousin Gaspard has been brutally attacked in his bedchambers last night and there was a maskquierious (geddit) white mask placed beside him.” She produced the masque (because she’s fancy so she spells it like that) from her back; it was pure white like vampire teeth and some blush on the cheek. “Inquisitor I hope you will be able to help us solve this brutal murder.”

I suddenly knew who the murderer was! Because I am so smart and I have seen many Broadway shows.

“OH FUCK” I shouted and then I ran to find the murderer; because he would be in the Opera House because he a Phantom of an Opera!!!

AN: Ramin Karimloo is such a good Phantom!!! CAMEO COMING UP!111

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**CHAPTER 5**

AN: Things are getting so exciting!! please review and like and subscribe for more <33

We all ran into the Opera Popular in the capital of Orlais (I don’t remember what it is called lmao). Then we were suddenly face to face with the real Phantom of the Opera. We were all still wearing our goth outfits and had on Lita Spike shoes that were either red or black and also then we had Green Day, Simple Plan and My Chemical Romance band t-shirts because we are not posers even at the opera.

“I see you have joined me in my fungeon of black despair,” the Phantom said moodily. He was wearing all black with sequins up the arms and he’d clearly put a lot of time into crafting his outfit.

“It’s okay Phantom, we know you are actually a sexy man called Ramin and we love you. Are you the one that murdered the man at the big houise that hte Queen Owns?” I asked him immediately because I was being a serious detective like Sherlock Holmes (AN omg Henry Cavill was so hot in Enola Holmes lmao!!!).

“No, I did not murder him,” he said very suddenly and started crying. “He attacked me so I had to save myself.”

“You are smexy even when you cry,” I said. “I believe you.”

Colin started crying too and ran away; I sight a lot. Men are babies.

“Michael would you like to join us at the party tonight?” Effy asked.

“I would love that. I have never been to a party before. My condition has denied me the joys of the flesh.”

Effy fluttered her eyelashes at Norm and I rolled my eyes. She was such a flirt.

We left the Opera House hand in hand, Effy on the left and me on the right. We ran into Cullun too and I smiled at him and took his hand in my other hand.

Next the party started.

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AN: Liisa I think these sentences are clunky can we please talk abou tit

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**CHAPTER 6**

AN: ok fuck you liisa you cannot just tell me what to do THESE ARE MY SENTENCES AND THIS IS MY FIC NOW you can just fuck off you are such a poser; Katie is writing alone now!! The last chapter was bullshit so I’m doing it again

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We all ran; into the Opera Popular in VAL ROYEAUS — then we were suddenly face to face with the real Phantom of the Opera; we were all still wearing our goth outfits and had on Lita Spike shoes that were either red or black; and also then we had Green Day, Simple Plan and My Chemical Romance band t-shirts because we are not posers; even at the opera.

“I see; you have joined me in my fungeon of DARK despair,” the Phantom said moodily; he was wearing all black; with sequins up the arms; and he’d clearly put a lot of time into crafting his outfit.

“It’s okay Phantom; we know you are actually a sexy man called Ramin; and we love you. Are you the one that murdered the man; at the big houise that hte Queen Owns?” I asked him; immediately because I was being a serious detective like Agent Scully (AN omg Gillian Anderson so hot in The Crown amirite!!)

“No, I did not murder him,” he said; very suddenly; and started crying. “He attacked me so I had to save myself.”

“You are smexy; even when you cry,” I said. “I believe you.”

Colin started crying too and ran away; I sight a lot. Men are babies.

“Michael would you like to join us at the party tonight?” Effy asked.

“Omg not with YOU”

Effy started crying that she had been rejected AND THEN SHE DIED (AN fuck you Liisa!!!).

“I would love to go with you though Katie; I have never been to a party before — my condition has denied me the joys of the flesh.” He said; speaking to me because I am more beautiful than Effy could ever be.

Effy was still dead so I flirted with Norm instead.

We left the Opera House hand in hand; me on the right and Effy’s body stayed alone in the Operea House. We ran into Cullun too; and I smiled at him; and took his hand in my other hand.

Next the party started.

  
  
  
  


AN: See fics are better with semicolons; amirite???

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**CHAPTER 7**

AN: ok Liisa and I have made up so Effy did not actually die in the last chapter, she is totally alive and also so smexy I love you Liisa <3333 also I know you were flaming in anonymous comments about my semicolons OK I GET IT FINE

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Liisa had a really nice outfit on at the party because she’s relly pretty and funny. Everyone there was in love with her but also in love with me because I am still beautiful, even if she is taller than me.

Then we danced at the party until suddenly we looked onto the stage and Green Day was there!

“I love you, Billie Joe!!” I screamed and Effy started crying so that her mascara ran down her face. She also loves Billie Joe Armstrong a lot, though she does not have his last name like I do because I am his favorite. Or I would be if he knew I existed.

“Play Orlesian Idiot!” Cullin yelled out but Billie Joe didn’t here him over the crows.

“Hey where’s Salas?” I asked wonderingly. Effy shrugged her shoulders.

Just then I urned (becausE I’m goth and death is cool geddit) round and there was one of the most beautiful men I had ever seen standing right before my eyes. He was wearing a black mask and he had long flowing raven black hair right down to his butt. He had pointy ears and really sharp teeth like me and he looked a bit like Saloth if he had hair.

“My lady may I have this dance with you?” he asked in his deep brooding accent. I gasped.

Then we danced together and everyone at the party clapped because we looked so sexy together.

AN: not sure if Ae’iou should end up with Cullen or Solas yet1! Let us know what you think :)

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**CHAPTER 8**

AN: ok fuck you poswers literally nobody commented to tell us who AOEURI should end up with ???? we aren’t posting any more unless people tell us !!!11 WE ARE TRYING TO BE INTERACTIVE

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We went back to Skyfall because the party was over. I was really sad about it and had been crying in the carriage all the ebay home.

“Aeiui will you please tell me what’s wrong?” Effy asked. She was wearing black eyeliner and also deep red blood red lipstick and she had a corset on that was so tight with white laces and black and red netting over the top of it. Her mini skirt was as short as mine except she did not have Lita Spike shoes because they are expensive and I am the Inquisitor so I have them and she doesn’t. 

“I’m so fucking sick of this!” I shouted. “I was so happy dancing at the party with my mystery masked man and then we even went back to my bedroom and I let him do things with me beneath the moonless sky. But then I woke up in the morning and he was gone. I don’t know what to do.”

“Did he even tell you his name/” Effy asked curioly.

“He only gave me a homonym,” I told her sadly. “He said his name was the Dread Wolf.”

“That is a smexy name,” Effy said and then she also laughed. “Mayube we will see him soon.” 

Just then, Suddenly, there was a loud bang at the front of the carriage. We jumped out and saw a big man with a big black cape (that’s so gioth!!) standing in front of the carriage with a red ball in his hand. He looked kind of like how Coryphesu looked in the games.

It was Corypheus! He attacked us and then we fought epicly and really hard. 

Corypjeuysiu took Effy captive and then ran away!! I was really scared he would hold her bondage. And I screamed really loud but no one could hear!!!!

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AN: omg this is so tense WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN??? leave a review and we will tell you in the next hcapter!!! 

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**CHAPTER 9**

AN: you know what WE DON’T NEED YOUR REVIOWS ANYWAY WE’RE RWITING THIS FOR US LIKE REAL AUTHORS DO!!!

I waved down the carriage behind us and Cullonk and Salad jumped out ready with their swords.

“Why did he take Effy?=” Cullonn asked and I shrugged and then we ran after them.

We found Coryphesususu in the Forbidden Forest that was right next to Skywind and then we had another really epic fight. Porphyria and I were the last ones fighting because I am the best fighter in the whole Inquisuition and because Poryshus is also good.

Then I screamed and he died, and then we found Effy tied to a tree behidn him. We saved her and everyone went back to Skyrim.

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AN: only one thing left but to have a party!! So excited <333 who will eieio choose?

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**CHAPTER 10**

AN: this is the party chapter and also the end of the fic!!1 this is really exiting!

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We were back at SkyHODL (see I spelled it omg stop flaming me) having our party. My wonderful friend Josei had set it up for us. She said Dorain helped but he didn’t want to be involved in this any further than that and honestly I don’t blame him. He’s a true goth. I wish I was more like him. He is a necromancer and that is so goth. Anyway,

At the party I was wearing a really goth blood red dress that went all the way up to my neck but then had a boob window so everyone could see my cleavage and then I had a red velvet necklace that had a big black diamond in teh middle of it. Then I had my red fishnet stockings and these really high leather boots with red laces and also pictures of Billie Joe on them.

Solath was there also. I guess he looked alright in his black button down jacket and his leather pants but I was more interested at looking at Collum in his. Callum had no shirt on but that was how I liked him best anyway.

“I have a confirmation for you Ae’iou,” Solas said, approaching me from across the dancefloor like he was a hunter and I was his pray. “I must tell you my name is also the Bread Wolf.”

“Omg no I don’t believe it!!” I shooted. “He had hair and you have no hair! You are bald!”

“I had a wig, I was inspired by the Phantom we saw at the Opera,” Swolas explanimed and took a big black wig out the pocket. Then he put it on, and he was suddenly so smexy! 

“Oh my god Sulus you are so hot!” I said and then we started making out. 

Cillian ran away and was probably crying again because that is what he does apparently. I decided I did not care. Efffy could have Culon and I could have Swolad because he had also been going to the gym and he was sexxxy now.

**THE END**

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AN: okay that is how we end this story please leave a like and subscribe if you liked it thank you !111 We will right more things it’s good thank you we love you <33333 YOU GAVE US YOUR BULLETS WE GIVE YOU OUR LOVE

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> We really hope no one is reading this. If you are, we are so sorry.


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